Post by Flumps on Mar 8, 2009 16:13:15 GMT 1
Welcome new TAPPERS!
It's very friendly here, and any TAPPER will help you should you get stuck, but here's a quick guide to help you to get started.
General Info
The Shed exists in a dimension entirely of its own, where the rules of space and geometry have no meaning. It appears from the outside to be an ordinary 6’ x 4’ rectangular shed, and yet somehow has room for about 100 people, various animals, and enough corners to really upset most maths teachers ;D
The inhabitants of the shed are generally known as TAPPERS. They claim this is due the name of this board being shortened to TAPS, although some might claim it more likely that they are in fact all “Tapped int’ead” , as Grandad Flump used to say ;D
The photocopier in the corner is only to be used in an appropriate manner (see post 16 below)The main thing is to make sure you use the windolene after sitting on the glass.
The pink toilet is for general use. The white toilet is for Juliet and the other pinkaphobic TAPPERS (there are a surprising number of those).
Before sitting on the pink toilet it is advisable to check that Alphonse is not hiding inside. He gets very upset when people try to sit on him, and may even try to poke you off the loo with his knitting needles. This is not a pleasant experience.
The radiator bed over there is the sole property of Stilton. Stilton pretends to be Cherry’s cat, but is in fact Supreme Ruler of All the Universe. He keeps Cherry as a pet but indulges her by letting her think it’s the other way around <youknowitstruecherrysmiley> ;D
As well as being Supreme Ruler of All the Universe, Stilton has recently appointed himself No.1 fan of Sweetpea. More about her later.
(Btw, we never mention Stilton on the public board because Cherry is in fact a famous international film star and does not wish to be identified by those who know her cat )
The admin on here are really lovely and very helpful, except for Janerowena (aka JRo, aka Compostella), who is very strict and scary She vehemently denies composting norty TAPPERS, but her plantlings look suspiciously well-fed...
Aspidistra and I once tried to stage a revolt and overthrow her, but JRo said we’d always been revolting and she was quite used to it
Aspidistra, as well as being a very popular TAPPER, is also a famous Awfur. She has written a very nice book about attracting wildlife to your garden, but is keen to point out that buying the book does not guarantee that foxlings will inhabit the space under your shed She is also keen to point out that she is unable to provide TAPPERS with doughnuts, and that this was just a rumour started by a certain cake-obsessed TAPPER <noideawhothatmighthavebeensmiley>
In addition to being a TAPPER, famous Awfur, wildlife expert, and non-sender of doughnuts, Aspi is employed part-time by Sweetpea the cat. Sweetpea posts regular and highly entertaining commentaries on Aspi'sshortcomings activities on the Pet Corner thread.
Pet Corner
Threads you might like
If you're a foody type, you will probably find these threads quite interesting :
Quick and easy recipes – where I believe the recipe for JRo’s legendary emergency one-cup choccy cake can be found
Quick and easy recipes
This one is where you can admit to what you’ve been munching on today. It’s also where devotees of the Flumpet Philosophy (which maintains that cake and chocolate are totally calorie-free) can find help and guidance.
Healthy eating - Saints and sinners!!!
And if you're trying to shed a few post-Christmas pounds or stick to a New Year's resolution, support can be found here :
Healthy Eating Supporters Group
If you take a relaxed view on all things related to housework, you may enjoy the Lazy Trollop thread: L.T.* Confessions
It will come as no surprise to anyone who's ever met me that I am a regular contributor ;D
If you are not a Lazy Trollop, then the norty corner could do with a bit of a dust. Thanks ;D
There’s a film club :
Films wot I wotched
and a book club :
Book Club part 2
and a TV guide :
Things wot I wotched on telly
The humour threads are to be highly recommended
The humour thread
The risque thread
This is a good place to start if you want to get to know us better (although you may wish you’d never bothered ;D )
All about us
TAPS has its own barter economy, which mainly - but not exclusively - involves the exchange of plants and seeds :
Tappers' Swap Shop
Seed Swap Shoppe
Seeds and Cuttings and Plants
If you are going to be away from the board for a long time, you could let us know on the Checking in, Checking out thread :
Checking in, Checking out volume 2
This is optional, but will save us all from worrying that you have been in a nasty accidentor composted by JRo
Naughty TAPPERS, or those who annoy JRo are often sent to thecompost bin naughty corner, where they are made to write lines and do the hoovering :
Naughty Corner
I seem to spend rather a lot of time in there
Naughty corner is also the permanent residence of Alphonse the spider (when he’s not hiding in the pink toilet). Alphonse is French and enjoys knitting. If you ask him nicely, he will teach you to sing La Marseillaise, but under no circumstances must you offend him. He knits all our loo roll and won’t show anyone the pattern, so it is Not Fun when he goes on strike.
If you are feeling unwell, you can go to the Sick Room
The new and even more improved sick room
Sadly the TAPS District Nurse has recently decided she's toolazy busy to be bothered with our aches and pains, but if you look carefully you may at least find her stash of medicinal brandy! ;D
If you really do want Nursie's attention, your best bet is to pretend to be either a cat or a fig tree (but do not pretend to be soap or deodorant as she has apparently lost all interest in those ;D )
If you have problems of a non-medical nature, you can visit our resident agony aunt over in All New Problem Corner :
All New Problem Corner
(The original Problem Corner had to be closed due to an argument in the waiting room over a knitting pattern in a vintage copy of Women's Weekly. Stilton and Alphonse didn't speak to each other for ages.)
Auntie Nooj will tackle any kind of problem, but particularly enjoys those of a personal, sexual or embarrassing nature. She claims to be an expert on intimate rashes, although she refuses to say how she gained such extensive knowledge
In Auntie Nooj's absence, Apprentice Auntie Flumps will be only too willing topractise on you lend a sympathetic ear.
If neither Auntie Nooj, Apprentice Auntie Flumps, nor Nurse Aspi can solve your personal crises, you may wish to visit the Things That Annoy Us thread and get them all off your chest :
Things that Annoy Us
Juliet and I (not Juliet and me) can often be found lurking on here
The Grammar Geek Thread
The other TAPPERS tried hard to rehabilitate us, but soon gave it up as a hopeless task and banished us to our own little thread in the hope that we’d eventually get a life. So far no joy ;D
At the end of a long, hard day, this is the place to be:
The Chill Out Lounge
Just remember to leave the cherry vodka alone. That belongs to Cherry and she is vicious in its defence ;D
Practical Information
When replying to a post, clicking on "reply" rather than using the Quick Reply box will allow you to acces a range of smileys and text options. If the smiley you need is not available, feel free to make up your own like this <yumcakesmiley> <ooohpurpleshoesaregreatsmiley>
Instructions for using the other text functions can be found here MESSAGE BOARD NUMPTIES NEED TO KNOW
If you get stuck, just shout, and someone will help you. Ditto modifying your profile or adding pictures or hyperlinks.
TAPS-speak
You may find that some of the words and phrases used in TAPS are unfamiliar to you. This is becausewe made them up we are sophisticated group of people who are evolving our own linguistic style. Most are simply a variation in spelling, and easy to work out e.g. fred = thread, norty = naughty. If you come across any that don't make sense, just ask (but be warned - there's a good chance no one else knows what the poster was on about either! ;D)
A few specific phrases and abbreviations whose meanings are hard to work out (unless you know the people involved) :
To "do a Cherry" = To go and soak in a hot bath full of (preferably pink) bubbles.
To "go a bit Cherry" = to plaster glitter all over everything in sight
To "do an Aspi" = to claim on the Night night thread that one is going to bed, then stay up chatting for ages ;D
"Playing scrabble" = erm... well, that one's actually quite rood... Let's just say Miss Piggin doesn't allow it in the Shed!
CIT = Chuckle in throat (when you're not quite laughing out loud)
SVC = Sniggers very childishly (often a result of someone mentioning "scrabble".)
BBF = Big bad frown (used mainly when JRo has caught someone being norty)
Think that’s all you need to know for now – I’m sure you’ll agree it’s all perfectly sensible and logical ;D You’ll work out the rest as you go along I think
Flumps.x
It's very friendly here, and any TAPPER will help you should you get stuck, but here's a quick guide to help you to get started.
Flumpet’s Guide to the Shed
UPDATED 16/01/10
General Info
The Shed exists in a dimension entirely of its own, where the rules of space and geometry have no meaning. It appears from the outside to be an ordinary 6’ x 4’ rectangular shed, and yet somehow has room for about 100 people, various animals, and enough corners to really upset most maths teachers ;D
The inhabitants of the shed are generally known as TAPPERS. They claim this is due the name of this board being shortened to TAPS, although some might claim it more likely that they are in fact all “Tapped int’ead” , as Grandad Flump used to say ;D
The photocopier in the corner is only to be used in an appropriate manner (see post 16 below)The main thing is to make sure you use the windolene after sitting on the glass.
The pink toilet is for general use. The white toilet is for Juliet and the other pinkaphobic TAPPERS (there are a surprising number of those).
Before sitting on the pink toilet it is advisable to check that Alphonse is not hiding inside. He gets very upset when people try to sit on him, and may even try to poke you off the loo with his knitting needles. This is not a pleasant experience.
The radiator bed over there is the sole property of Stilton. Stilton pretends to be Cherry’s cat, but is in fact Supreme Ruler of All the Universe. He keeps Cherry as a pet but indulges her by letting her think it’s the other way around <youknowitstruecherrysmiley> ;D
As well as being Supreme Ruler of All the Universe, Stilton has recently appointed himself No.1 fan of Sweetpea. More about her later.
(Btw, we never mention Stilton on the public board because Cherry is in fact a famous international film star and does not wish to be identified by those who know her cat )
The admin on here are really lovely and very helpful, except for Janerowena (aka JRo, aka Compostella), who is very strict and scary She vehemently denies composting norty TAPPERS, but her plantlings look suspiciously well-fed...
Aspidistra and I once tried to stage a revolt and overthrow her, but JRo said we’d always been revolting and she was quite used to it
Aspidistra, as well as being a very popular TAPPER, is also a famous Awfur. She has written a very nice book about attracting wildlife to your garden, but is keen to point out that buying the book does not guarantee that foxlings will inhabit the space under your shed She is also keen to point out that she is unable to provide TAPPERS with doughnuts, and that this was just a rumour started by a certain cake-obsessed TAPPER <noideawhothatmighthavebeensmiley>
In addition to being a TAPPER, famous Awfur, wildlife expert, and non-sender of doughnuts, Aspi is employed part-time by Sweetpea the cat. Sweetpea posts regular and highly entertaining commentaries on Aspi's
Pet Corner
Threads you might like
If you're a foody type, you will probably find these threads quite interesting :
Quick and easy recipes – where I believe the recipe for JRo’s legendary emergency one-cup choccy cake can be found
Quick and easy recipes
This one is where you can admit to what you’ve been munching on today. It’s also where devotees of the Flumpet Philosophy (which maintains that cake and chocolate are totally calorie-free) can find help and guidance.
Healthy eating - Saints and sinners!!!
And if you're trying to shed a few post-Christmas pounds or stick to a New Year's resolution, support can be found here :
Healthy Eating Supporters Group
If you take a relaxed view on all things related to housework, you may enjoy the Lazy Trollop thread: L.T.* Confessions
It will come as no surprise to anyone who's ever met me that I am a regular contributor ;D
If you are not a Lazy Trollop, then the norty corner could do with a bit of a dust. Thanks ;D
There’s a film club :
Films wot I wotched
and a book club :
Book Club part 2
and a TV guide :
Things wot I wotched on telly
The humour threads are to be highly recommended
The humour thread
The risque thread
This is a good place to start if you want to get to know us better (although you may wish you’d never bothered ;D )
All about us
TAPS has its own barter economy, which mainly - but not exclusively - involves the exchange of plants and seeds :
Tappers' Swap Shop
Seed Swap Shoppe
Seeds and Cuttings and Plants
If you are going to be away from the board for a long time, you could let us know on the Checking in, Checking out thread :
Checking in, Checking out volume 2
This is optional, but will save us all from worrying that you have been in a nasty accident
Naughty TAPPERS, or those who annoy JRo are often sent to the
Naughty Corner
I seem to spend rather a lot of time in there
Naughty corner is also the permanent residence of Alphonse the spider (when he’s not hiding in the pink toilet). Alphonse is French and enjoys knitting. If you ask him nicely, he will teach you to sing La Marseillaise, but under no circumstances must you offend him. He knits all our loo roll and won’t show anyone the pattern, so it is Not Fun when he goes on strike.
If you are feeling unwell, you can go to the Sick Room
The new and even more improved sick room
Sadly the TAPS District Nurse has recently decided she's too
If you really do want Nursie's attention, your best bet is to pretend to be either a cat or a fig tree (but do not pretend to be soap or deodorant as she has apparently lost all interest in those ;D )
If you have problems of a non-medical nature, you can visit our resident agony aunt over in All New Problem Corner :
All New Problem Corner
(The original Problem Corner had to be closed due to an argument in the waiting room over a knitting pattern in a vintage copy of Women's Weekly. Stilton and Alphonse didn't speak to each other for ages.)
Auntie Nooj will tackle any kind of problem, but particularly enjoys those of a personal, sexual or embarrassing nature. She claims to be an expert on intimate rashes, although she refuses to say how she gained such extensive knowledge
In Auntie Nooj's absence, Apprentice Auntie Flumps will be only too willing to
If neither Auntie Nooj, Apprentice Auntie Flumps, nor Nurse Aspi can solve your personal crises, you may wish to visit the Things That Annoy Us thread and get them all off your chest :
Things that Annoy Us
Juliet and I (not Juliet and me) can often be found lurking on here
The Grammar Geek Thread
The other TAPPERS tried hard to rehabilitate us, but soon gave it up as a hopeless task and banished us to our own little thread in the hope that we’d eventually get a life. So far no joy ;D
At the end of a long, hard day, this is the place to be:
The Chill Out Lounge
Just remember to leave the cherry vodka alone. That belongs to Cherry and she is vicious in its defence ;D
Practical Information
When replying to a post, clicking on "reply" rather than using the Quick Reply box will allow you to acces a range of smileys and text options. If the smiley you need is not available, feel free to make up your own like this <yumcakesmiley> <ooohpurpleshoesaregreatsmiley>
Instructions for using the other text functions can be found here MESSAGE BOARD NUMPTIES NEED TO KNOW
If you get stuck, just shout, and someone will help you. Ditto modifying your profile or adding pictures or hyperlinks.
TAPS-speak
You may find that some of the words and phrases used in TAPS are unfamiliar to you. This is because
A few specific phrases and abbreviations whose meanings are hard to work out (unless you know the people involved) :
To "do a Cherry" = To go and soak in a hot bath full of (preferably pink) bubbles.
To "go a bit Cherry" = to plaster glitter all over everything in sight
To "do an Aspi" = to claim on the Night night thread that one is going to bed, then stay up chatting for ages ;D
"Playing scrabble" = erm... well, that one's actually quite rood... Let's just say Miss Piggin doesn't allow it in the Shed!
CIT = Chuckle in throat (when you're not quite laughing out loud)
SVC = Sniggers very childishly (often a result of someone mentioning "scrabble".)
BBF = Big bad frown (used mainly when JRo has caught someone being norty)
Think that’s all you need to know for now – I’m sure you’ll agree it’s all perfectly sensible and logical ;D You’ll work out the rest as you go along I think
Flumps.x